White Girls Can't Dance

I am fully aware, as I’m sure you also are, that when I say this, I’m lying, but I’m never drinking again.

Especially not vodka and red bull. Thank sweet baby Jesus that I was dancing around, harassing the DJ to play songs that he conveniently never got around to playing after promising me that he’d ‘make me happy’. The excuse for this abhorrent deceitfulness was that he had to play music that would ‘make white girls dance.’ I was like, ‘Yo man, I’m a white girl, and I’ve been dancing all night. Now play my motherfucking song!’ to which he responded, ‘Well, you’re different.’ And all I could say was ‘true’ since I’m a bad bitch.

But all joking aside folks, I can’t imagine why a DJ would ever want to be responsible (he’ll burn in hell) for the dancing of the majority of white girls. I’m sure that if you’ve ever been out to a club where dancing occurs, you have bore witness to the debacle that is the inebriated Caucasian female.

It’s like, suddenly they all think they’re Beyonce and start, very uncoordinatedly, gyrating around, thrusting their hips forward (ladies, we are the catchers, not the pitchers. This movement should only be done in jest) leaning back with their eyes closed in some sort of self satisfied seizure, until they nearly fall, while all the men in the club look on thinking a) why didn’t we go to a strip club? b) oh yeah, because we’re broke and wouldn’t be able to pull anyhow and c) which of these wasted rhythmless idiots am I going to help stumble to my bed, for some good, condomless fucking?

Yeah so. I’m one of the 50 white girls in the universe who is awesome at dancing.

And the moral of the story is…DJ’s everywhere should always play whatever song I request, because you don’t want white girls to dance, you want THIS white girl to dance, especially to her motherfucking song.

Okay, enough ego trip for one morning.