Desperation Dissipating

Feeling good.
Got no plans.
Only sketches.

But you know, I have a dream.
I just realized it about a week ago over Mr. Gatti's pizza buffet.
(Not very good pizza.)
I felt it up and down, squeezed here, poked it there, sniffed it a little.
I realized that it was infact, just as I had feared, some silly fantasy.

I felt like a 6 year old boy, looking longingly after a passing fire truck.
That is a dream.
To want to do something, or to be something, just because you get a very deep happy tingle when you imagine it.
Just because you think it's that fucking cool.
And it is not something to be embarassed about, so you never have to bullshit when someone asks you why you want to do it.

Someone: "Why do you want to travel Candice?"
Me: "Oh, you know, experiencing different cultures, meeting people, see the world....(more generic cop out answers)"

And those are just the one's I tell complete strangers in light conversation.
You should hear the bullshit I whip up in heavier conversation with my friends.
Lordy lord.
But what do you expect. I've only just admitted it to myself.
I want to travel because I want to be a traveller, a wanderer.
Here's what I wrote in my real journal.

"I want to be a world wise, seasoned traveller, with friends around the world, always getting into adventures, with a million stories, who visits her family, but never for long, because something inside her says she needs to leave.
A wanderer who follows her gut, with scars and their tales, experiences of danger, close calls, magic, whimsy, discovery."

I want to travel to be that person.
Maybe I've invented that her.
No passing fireman for me to emulate.
I guess that's why it's called a dream.
And I feel pretty lucky that I still have one.

Alone Day

Today is my day alone.
James is doing some dork HFS thing, and I spent almost 4 hours at the gym.
Why?
I don't exactly know.
I'm at the library again, and as my computer time ticks away, I am realizing that that's okay.
I didn't even really want to write on here anyway.
I'm doing it out of some ridiculous imaginary obligation.
I'm going to head over to Book People after this, maybe get some coffee, maybe a sweet, and wait for James, because that is where we are meeting.
I have to pee.
I'm going to have to work this week.
I am not thrilled about this.
By the way, my job, which usually I would try to be discreet about, is as a stripper.
Yep, there you go.
I'm feeling kind of blunt right now. Maybe too honest.
But I am really waiting for the day when some one asks me about what I do, and I don't cringe with dread.
Some day I won't be a stripper.
Who know's what I'll be then.
Maybe a diving instructer.
Mayeb a Grand Canyon rafting guide.
Maybe a National Geographic photographer.
Maybe a CPA.
Or maybe I'll stop, for real, identifying my self with what ever I have to do to make money.

"I can't afford to waste my time making money.".........Agassiz (or so I've heard)
I think I'll make a t-shirt.

Austin to Mexico

Back in Austin now.
I was so apprehensive at first to come back. Back to the same things, same places, scared of falling into the same routine.
But now I am here and I'm excited, because although I could practically drive around Austin blindfolded, it is my favorite of the places I've lived.
I like it here. I think my problem is that I haven't been on a good long adventure in a year and a quarter.
So right now I am in Austin, and I'm liking that, and it is a stepping stone. I am trying to get out of Austin.
Here is the land of my opportunity. I am going to collect money, read some books, and work on becoming a stronger swimmer (for surfing), for the next month and a half. Then it's on to Mexico.
I am so excited about Mexico.
I am ready.
To wander for a couple months, surfing, learning spanish, meeting people, trying food, being dirty, probably getting the shits a couple of times.
Oh my god! I am at the library right now, and right as I was writing about getting diarrhea, I smelled this smell behind me. I truned around and saw a homeless person walking away from me, with a big shit stain on his/her pants. So gross!
Yeah.... Mexico....
I am ready to travel out of America. Seen too much of her. And I know that her soul and mine do not match. I will never feel at home with her people and I will never share the same desires with them. But my place is out there, and my people live there. Maybe. Maybe they're just pieces scattered throughout the planet, and it is my lot to collect them, wandering until I die.
Right there. That is a topic I want to elaborate on, alot. I'm not focused enough here, so I'll do it later.
Oh yes, Mexico.
I am in the door way to the rest of the world, looking out, ready to take my first step. But I'm taking baby steps. I've got my whole life, and I'm feeling very very happy now.
Mexico, here I come!

Last Night

James and I walked four times around the detention pond. That's 1 1/3 mile.
We were very stoned. I kept forgetting what we were talking about. It was dark, no street lights around, and the markings on the cement made by rain and use, looked like sidewalk chalk. I stopped and bent down and looked at it, and it still looked like neon sidewalk chalk. But for some one to color 1/3 of a mile of sidewalk is a ludicrous. So, I was hallucinating.
And when a hallucination still appears what it appears upon investigation, it's a little, I don't know, unsettling.

I also came up with, what is very likely, the most awesome cat name ever.
"Fishes"
I was having a fantasy about having a cat called Fishes that I would pet and sing "I love fishes cause he's so delicious!" to.
You know, like the goldfish commercials.

Question: My Stepdad and James were talking outside, drinking. My stepdad asked James if he's with me because he feels bad, or something to that effect.
What the fuck does that mean? I know what it sounds like to me, but I'm going to pretend that that isn't what he meant. Any suggestions? Toni?
Yeah.

The water is back on today and I'm still in Houston. We'll probably leave today.
And go to what?
I don't know.
I just want to go surfing.

Leaving Houston!

So, I wake up this morning, excited to begin collecting my things, and to organize them into the van so we can get the fuck out, but, strange girl that I am, I decide to brush my teeth first.
I go into the bathroom, scoop the sleep from my eyes wih my ring fingernails, and lift the faucet lever, so the water will run, and after a minute, become hot. But the faucet just farts a little squirt of water, and then...nothing.
I check the other faucets. None of them work. I check the front door. There is a notice that the water service has been disconnected.
Super.
Leaving may be delayed.
I have laundry to do, and hair to wash, and teeth to brush, and oatmeal to eat. So many things, all requiring water.
Where is your holiday spirit Water Works?
Ham peddlers are very busy this time of year.

Thank the lord for toilet water tanks.
I'm drinking coffee my mom made early this morning, reheated.
Need I say more?

Subject change...

Let's say, hypothetically of course, that my period of desert lust had passed. Where would I want to go?
Mexico, baby.
Damn you James, always getting your way.
But for some reason, I really really want to hang out on the Pacific side for a while, taking dramamine and surfing, (hypothetically of course).
All day in the salty water, rising, falling with each passing wave, waiting for the one to ride, all the paddling, the sultry tropics, the midday rain (this time of year), the spanish I'll have to learn.
I don't know if we'll be able to take the van, which sucks.
I'm also excited about the van.
Oh well. One thing at a time. First, money.
That part is gonna suck.

Pattern Recognition Test

What they said:
"Sir Francis Galton, the cousin of Charles Darwin, first popularized the notion of measurable intelligence in the late 1800s. Charles Spearman later discovered that all mental abilities tend to correlate together when statistically analyzed. He called this G. Modern researchers tend to agree that there are two kinds of intelligence, crystallized intelligence (learned knowledge) and fluid intelligence (abstract processing ability). Most non-verbal intelligence tests measure the latter. Some research suggests that fluid intelligence may correlate best to G.

Your overall percentile is 87% which means you scored higher than 87% of the people who have taken this test. The internet population tends to be more intelligent so your percentile might be higher if the test taking sample was perfectly random. Keep in mind, taking this test more than once will render your percentile score inaccurate because the percentile score assumes these questions were fresh to the test taker.

The point of this test is to challenge you and show you how you compare to other test takers on a set of novel questions. Consequently, I need to keep the answers secret to protect the integrity of the test."

What I said:
"Aw yeah"

More on Truth and Illusion

"People are seperated from God by sin."
This is a quote from a book James was reading called Examine the Evidence, (which was anything but an examination of evidence), which caught my attention.
I think that it could more clearly be said, "People are seperated from god by the belief in the illusion that people are seperate from god."
So I guess, to me, to sin is to believe in illusion.

I've been talking alot about illusion and truth lately. I suppose that's because I've been thinking about illusion and truth alot lately.

I was talking to Toni one time, I think, about the ego being the only thing that seperates us from everything else, and that's only because it makes us believe that we are seperate from everything else.
So I guess, to me, the ego is a vehicle for "sin".

I'm weird.

Another quote:
"...only time stood between one face and another.".....Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
Maybe this doesn't make as much of an impression out of context, when you haven't read the book.
I won't try and explain.
You should read Siddhartha. It's one of my favorite books. I've read it 4 times. I will read it again.
(The quote is on pg. 150)