Burger Tex should pay me for this

Here's a poem

God gave me style
God gave me head
God put his muddy boots
On my bed

Imagine this: You awake, unreasonably early in the morning (10) considering how late you went to sleep and also how drunk you were and how many left over (delicious) mashed potatoes you ate just before cozying up to your red headed friends dirty pillows (boobies). You are confused for a moment about where you are and who you are/aren't with, considering you haven't slept at home in a few days. You have to take a humassive morning after drinking, solid at the beginning, runny towards the end, shit. But mostly (take notes, this is important), you are hungry, and you are thirsty, and this, for the mother fucking love of god must be remedied pronto, other wise ginger haired (though completely undeserving) heads will roll.
"But where, " you ask, "can I get delicious and filling food in abundant variety, that is also healthy because I don't want to ruin the de-flabifying roll I've been on (liquid diet) since I've been back from Thailand, because, well, I don't care if I'm a cunt, as long as I'm thin?"
To which I respond, "Souper Salad."
I'm changing from 2nd person omniscient to 1st person narrative now. Look alive.
So you/I and also the Tiffer's put on our flippy-do's (I'm actually lobbying at present to have the unpalatable colloquialism "flip flop" changed , for obvious reasons, to the superior and, I'd venture to say, musical "flippy-do." I'm sure I have your support in this), forgot our phones, and headed in the direction of the vegetable smorgasbord that was our destiny.
While en route, using meticulously selected back streets so as to maximize efficiency, and minimize a) fuel consumption, b) time consumption, and c) my frustration (p.s. I am a master navigator), we wound up behind this total smeghead in a Lincoln or some other ugly, and in this situation, slow going car. As I was road raging at him, borrowing generously from my reserves of outdated urban vernacular, the Tiffers and I noticed simultaneously, that we were passing by Burger Tex, at a ludicrously slow pace. And we looked at each other, and we knew. Salad was not in the stars for us. Not today anyway.
As a quick aside, I feel I have to explain something. I have passed by said Burger Tex hundreds, nay, thousands of times in my life, never thinking to stop and have a bite even once. But all that changed Saturday, when I had the most enjoyable, life-altering experience (I can die happy now) imaginable; a mushroom swiss burger from Burger Tex. Thank you Nick, I will name my new fat after you.
Continuing. Well, getting to the point anyway, we abandoned any hopes of self satisfied smugness at our iron resolve to better our lives through the consumption of healthy food, and got 2 delicious burgers, one each, and ate them with zealous gusto, and now we are fat, but elated, praise the lord! it is a beautiful day in Austin!