A Discussion of Intriguing Topics

Today I am so (insert adjective). I wish I could just (insert verb) all day until (insert pronoun) (insert verb, past tense) all over (insert pronoun) (insert noun).


Whew! Good to get that off my chest.


This morning Tiffers and I, in a frenzy of previous evening alcohol mixing induced ravenousness, went to Taco Cabana for a smidgen of their glorious breakfast tacos. While en route, a long and harrowing route filled with trials and tribulations of a terrifying nature, I was saying really hilarious things to distract us from vomiting up the non contents of our stomachs. one item of said hilarity was this...


(Note: I am adding a verbatim transcript of the conversation in order to demonstrate, in addition to the obvious humour of the comment, the contextual genius as well.)


Tiffany: "If they aren't serving breakfast any more, I'm ordering a bean and cheese taco with extra cheese."


Me: "I'm ordering a bean and cheese taco with extra taco."


HAHAHAHAHA! You are laughing.


And now for the latest installment of The Death Shoe Chronicles.


They are fucking rank, and they are Tiffany's and not mine and they are also boots and not shoes and let's get some Dr. Scholl's foot stank spray for the love of god, my lungs are being melted by the noxious vapors.


I want to address an issue really quick, as I'm sure it's been on the front burner (the big one) of everyones thoughts, and I'd hate to be an inconsiderate twat and not quell any curiosities/fears/insatiable desires. So here goes: I am fully aware that I say heaps of nothing with words in equal proportion. But my question to you, kind sir a.k.a. fuck wad, is this; what do you have to say? I have an unfortunate medical condition, incurable I'm afraid, where in I have been blessed with an extraordinarily large vocabulary (snicker) and an immensely enviable and innovative mastery of the English language, but I am incapable of contriving a single interesting or original thought beyond what our kids would look like if cilantro and I copulated (more on this later).


So anyway, the real point is this. There is no point. If you'd like to see a free verbal masturbation show, read on. If not, do something other than read on.


I like to use masturbation in analogies. Also, abortions, interracial comradery, the stock market, and lion pride hierarchy/feeding habits. Fascinating.


Back to cilantro. Whilst on the previously mentioned Taco Cabana outing, something revelatory happened to me. But before I can even think about opening that bag of chips, I feel the need to prologue the story with a bit of Taco Cabana 101.


While Taco Cabana's fare is both delectable and authentic (made by real Mexicans), neither of these qualities are what made the establishment into the fast Mexican food empire that it is today. No, what makes Taco Cabana truly great is their all you can eat condiment bar, which features a dizzying array of fresh salsas, pico de gallo, fresh onions, limes, and jalapenos, and, you guessed it, cilantro. Ask any one, tell your friends. It is the shit. Take a big whiff.


That said, I can begin the story. As I tore into my potato, egg, and cheese breakfast taco, wrapped in a thick hand made tortilla, topped with a tongue teasing rojo salsa, pico, and a sprinkling of tender cilantro leaves, something, I'd venture to say, life altering occurred to me. I realized, I love cilantro. I can't deny it. My salivary glands squirt out their lubricious fluids at the very thought of that scintillating herb rolling around in my mouth, being ground by my molars, becoming an embarrassing green thing in my front teeth, and finally, fatefully, coming to rest in my welcoming stomach, nourishing, not only my body with its chlorophyllous goodness, but also my soul. Cliantro raises your IQ by 3 points on each occasion that you eat it. I am now a genius. (Wouldn't it be funny if I spelled genius like 'genyus' whilst proclaiming to be one. Woo Hoo!) My mind then wandered, as girls minds are wont to do when thinking of the things we love, to marriage, and then to baby making. Before long (3 seconds), I found myself wondering what out offspring would look like. After much contemplation, I arrived at this.

I hope this means as much to you as it did, and will continue to mean to me.
Something terrible actually happened a couple of minutes ago, which was that Tiffers asked me if I wanted to go for coffee, and you know what? I do.
Now I am distracted and hurrying through this and I am not giving my writing my 100% super star effort, so I'm going to stop and feed the beast.