Eeyore's 44th and it's dire repercussions

I’ve been sick all day with liquid shit, short lived and sporadic, yet severe stomach pains, body aches and a head ache. It’s been a feat for me to even get to the bathroom from my bed, and as anyone who has been to my house knows, that ain’t far.

Yesterday was Eeyore’s 44th birthday. Needless to say, plenty of weed was both smoked and eaten, loads of beer consumed, and work was skipped.

The Tiffers and I went out in our bikini tops and skirts, in an attempt to blend with the overwhelming scantily clad hippy atmosphere. Soon, said bikini tops were traded in on free abstract ‘booby paintings’. We both now know what it’s like to be a celebrity, if even only for our bared breasts.
Every couple of minutes, someone would approach us asking to take our picture, followed by at least 3 other opportunists, who had been too chicken to ask in the first place, but were inspired by the first brave stranger’s foot in the metaphorical door. Eventually it occurred to me (I am slow) that rather than asking, “Can I take your picture?” they should have been asking, “Can I take a picture of your tits so I can either a) go home and wank off to it, b) post it on my soft core porn website for a meager profit, or c) all of the above?”
But alas, no one was so forthcoming.

So Dayvan Cowboy just came on, magically, and now I’m thinking, despite today’s intensive diarrhea and friends, I probably should go to work tonight, to not only make up for the past two nights I’ve missed, but to also pay myself back for the $50 I borrowed from my savings. I hope I don’t shart on anyone.
Holy fuck the guilt is setting in.
I have to get out of here. I’m working every day from now on.
I will write during the day, obsessively check my email, exhaust the dog by taking her on some sort of walk or adventure, drink coffee, maybe bathe, and probably not clean my house.
Sounds like a plan.

OH MY GOD ADVIL WILL YOU PLEASE WORK ALREADY MY HEAD IS IMPLODING!

So The Tiffers is out with some guy named Billy who she met yesterday at Eeyore’s. He’s from either LA or NY (same dif, both initials), here for, I dunno, a Free Hugs campaign. At least that’s what he was doing when she met him.
And so, I am stuck at home, internet-less, and car-less. Also, Curry pissed on the mattress pad thing in the living room, twice, and so I am depriving her of love. Living things should not be allowed around me.

Who has a hot tub I can move into?
I’m pretty sure that, if someone were to agree to bring me food and water, I could, quite happily, live out the rest of my days soaking in one. Especially considering that I am fully comfortable stewing in a warm vat of my own piss. (Note: I will poo over the side, into a receptacle provided by the owner of the hot tub. Or not. Whatever floats your boat.)

Okay I had a rest, and DanActive, and there’re some tasty and nutritious Ramen noodles cooking up on the stove. I am brand new! Can life possibly get any better?

Question: Why does my stolen internet no longer work, ever?
Question 2: Why am I sweating like a Jew in Germany?
Question 3: Was that offensive?
Question 4: Do I give a fuck?

I guess that if you like me, you have to learn to embrace my more unpalatable qualities, such as indiscriminate bigotry (oxymoron), a grievous hated for children, and a complete lack of manners or courtesy regarding my nauseating flatulence.
Also, the endless discussion of shit.
But trust son, trust, the rewards are totally worth whatever trauma you might endure.
Por Exemplo: I often make up really hilarious lyrics, inspired by what ever I happen to be doing at the moment, or poo. That is entertaining. I’ll probably never ask you to borrow money. Also, I’m always willing to help you out in whatever way you need/I can, providing it’s convenient for me. I’m a true giver. And lastly, but not leastly, I know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, ‘to’ ‘too’ and ‘two’, and also ‘there’ ‘their’ and ‘they’re’. In my book, that is a priceless quality.
Now the decision is in your hands, and I’m sure that, despite any of the many racist jokes I tell or laugh at, you’ll follow the lead of 97% of Earth’s population, make the right decision, and choose to adore me. (It’s hardly avoidable. The other 3% consist entirely of retards and pedophiles. You don’t really want to join up with that lot, now do you?)

Ramen noodles are soooo good! I already feel a fresh shart coming on! Thank you Asia!