Humiliation

Last night, I was laying in bed, with this horrible nervous feeling in my chest.This horrible guilt about some things I had done in the past.
Then I realized that, despite my attitude of not caring what people think of me, I actually always have, and the things I did in the past that I was feeling guilty about, I had done because I was seeking the approval, or esteem, or friendship of someone else.And these aren't things that I would think would win the approval, esteem or friendship of most people.Maybe I was just trying to fit in.
So that's good.Now instead of having consuming feelings of guilt, I get to work on the root of the problem.
This is kind of embarassing for me to admit, as I think it would be for anyone.No one wants to admit to doing anything, much less things to be ashamed of, to get acceptance from others.It's a little humiliating.But in my new humbleness on the matter, I can face the truth about myself, and actually get it worked out.
So, why am I posting this online for anyone to read?
I guess because putting it out there, where I know at least one person will read it, makes it real outside of my head, and in some one elses.It makes it something I can't just forget about, because some one else knows.The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, so I'm admitting it, and publicly.There's no going back on it now.